The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Sardars are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A Sardars works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds he says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then 80,000 Sardars start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast Media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give him another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the Sardars starts crying and the 80,000 men begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance-- What is 2 plus 2?"
The man closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 Sardars jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
.
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4.
Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I
do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part
of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"
Spine Chillers
transatlantic flight from Amsterdam to New York, she noticed that the
baby, nestled between the couple who were asleep, didn't look very well,
in fact it looked extremely ill. Not wanting to disturb anyone she
gently lifted up the baby and took it back to her station. Feeling the
baby's forehead, she found it was cold and with a sudden panic she
realized that the infant was dead. ling upon a doctor she knew to be on
board, he examined the baby and confirmed that, not only was it dead,
but it was embalmed. The child's body had been hollowed out and it was
full of the drugs that the couple was trying to smuggle into the States.
___________________________________________________________
A young lady is alone in her apartment. She goes to bed with her dog on
the floor beside her. In the middle of the night, she is woken up by a
trange sound. She is alarmed, but reaches down to the dog, who licks her
hand. She is reassured and goes back to sleep. In the morning, she finds
the dog hung in the shower. Where the dog slept, she picks up a note
which reads 'Humans can lick too,"
____________________________________________________________
A woman living in the city {Salt Lake } was visiting some friends in
Ogden . When she got into her car in front of this friend's house, she
noticed that a car started up right behind her car. It was about 2:00 in
the morning, and there weren't any other cars on the road. After she had
driven to the highway, she began to think that this car was following
her. Some of the time he would drive up real close to her car, but he
wouldn't ever pass.
She
was really scared to death and kept speeding to try to get away from
him.
When she got to Salt Lake, she started running stop lights to get away
from him, but he would run right through them too. So when she got to
her driveway she pulled in really fast, and this guy pulled in right
behind her. She just laid on the horn, and her husband came running out.
Just then,the guy jumped out of the car, and her husband ran over and
said, 'What the hell's going' on here?" So he grabbed the guy, and his
wife said, "This man's followed me all the way from Ogden." The man
said, 'I followed your wife because I was going to work, and as I got
into my car, I noticed when I turned my lights on, a man's head bob down
in her back seat." So the husband went over to her back-seat, opened the
door, and there was a deranged man sitting on the floor with a knife in
his hand.
__________________________________________________________
Two roommates remain at their deserted college dormitory over a holiday
break. One of the girls goes out on a date that evening, and the other
one turns in and goes to bed before her roommate returns. Later that
night the sleeping girl is awakened by gurgling and scratching noises
coming from outside the hallway door. Frightened, she locks the door and
cowers inside the room until morning. When the girl finally opens the
door and ventures outside, she discovers the bloody corpse of her
roommate in the hallway.
The murdered girl's throat had been slit, and she had bled to death in
the hallway while clawing at the door.
____________________________________________________________
In Berlin, after World War II, money was short, supplies were tight,and
it seemed like everyone was hungry. At that time, people were telling
the tale
of a young woman who saw a blind man picking his way through a crowd.
The two started to talk. The man asked her for a favor: could she
deliver the letter to the address on the envelope? Well, it was on her
way home, so she agreed. She started out to deliver the message, when
she turned around to see if there was anything else the blind man
needed. But she spotted him hurrying through the crowd without his
smoked glasses or white cane. She went to the police, who raided the
address on the envelope, where they found heaps of human flesh for sale.
And what was in envelope?
A note saying 'This is the last one I am sending you today,"
__________________________________________________________
A male flight attendant was stopping over at Japan. He went to a local
bar where a Japanese man and woman approached him. They chatted and had
a drink. The man gave him an old traditional Japanese drink. The next
memory the flight attendant had, was when he woke up in a bath of ice in
a hotel room with agonising pains in his stomach. He managed to pull
himself out the bath and Called the police. He told them everything he
could remember, the policeman described the two people and the man said
that's what they were like. The policeman calmly told him to get back
into the bath and sit there till the police and ambulance had arrived.
The man's kidneys had been removed.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
FACTS $ 1,000
$49 today.
If you purchased $1,000 of AIG stock 1 year ago, you would have $33 today.
If you purchased $1,000 of Lehman Brothers stock 1 year ago, you would have $0.0 today.
But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer 1 year ago, drank all the beer, returned the aluminum cans for a recycling refund, you would have $214
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Pain of a Married Man ...!!
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?' he asks solemnly.
'Yes I do' she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. 'Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have been released today!'
Management Lessons!!!! - Only for Guys
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
and
do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top
of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
About Me
- RyDER
- The Man who has never been tired of enjoying the wonders of the world. Beauty, Technology and Love Powers his actions.